I never "wanted" to be a single mom and because of this fear i had stayed in a relationship that was long overdue- Because of the deep seated fears of abandonment and thinking that the need for security came from being in a relationship, I Abandon myself at nearly every turn, subconsciously and consciously controlling the dynamics, so I was never "left". The extent to which relationships were modeled for me, I had no idea until I had began to learn to love how to be single. I had gotten to the point of realization many times, that I was the common denominator in my relationships and I was tired of being in relationships from my "hurt self" and hurting others and myself along the way. If I were to truly change how I operate and see things differently, I had to heal the core of my choices-not just stop a behavior. If I could have stopped a behavior and stayed "changed" it would have happened, but clearly I had been struggling and I needed to do things differently- but how? This is where I needed to learn, how I learned my own relationship dynamics and looking at the values that were taught, and seeing the untold morals that were hidden behind actions. So lets explore how to deep dive into how relationships were modeled for us.
You can get the full guide, "Blueprint to the heart: Sovereign healing journey" HERE: https://www.heartactivation.net/book
Understanding Relationship Dynamics
Our understanding of relationships often stems from what we observed growing up, not necessarily from what we were explicitly taught. It’s about the models set by our caregivers. For me, I grew up in a unique environment; I didn’t my biological father until I was 24. Raised by my mother and grandmother, who both had strong, “man-hating” views due to past betrayals, I was exposed to conflicting attitudes towards men and relationships.
Codependency and People-Pleasing
Let’s explore a few terms we often hear: codependency and people-pleasing. Codependency involves relying on another person to the detriment of one’s own well-being. People-pleasing, while similar, does not always rely on a specific person but rather manifests in certain situations where an individual seeks approval to feel worth
Cycle of Trauma and Divorce
Divorce and the cycle of trauma play significant roles in shaping how we view relationships. Many of us might replicate the patterns we observed in our parents' marriages, often without realizing it. For instance, I watched my mother engage in tumultuous relationships, which eventually influenced how I interacted with my partners.
Attachment Styles and Early Models
Attachment styles—secure, avoidant, anxious—are crucial in understanding our relationship patterns. Unfortunately, secure attachment is something many people strive for but seldom achieve. Our past and the behavior modeled by our caretakers significantly impact how we connect with others. My mother, for example, exhibited avoidant tendencies, which shaped my own struggles with abandonment and attachment issues.
Healing and Self-Understanding
Healing begins with understanding. By looking back on our childhood and identifying where our behaviors originate, we can bring awareness to our patterns and start to meet our own needs rather than seeking them from others. This self-awareness is essential when entering intimate partnerships, allowing us to address our core issues and avoid projecting these unmet needs onto others.
The Importance of Self-Love
Loving yourself first is a fundamental step before seeking love in another. Many of us are programmed to focus on what we can do to win others’ approval, but true self-love and self-respect transform how we engage in relationships. When we love and value ourselves, we naturally set boundaries and attract healthier dynamics.
Establishing Boundaries
Boundaries are essential for maintaining self-respect and healthy relationships. Initially, I struggled with setting and maintaining boundaries, but through learning to love and value myself, I found it easier to define and stick to these limits.
"Boundaries weren't about self-preservation or exclusion but about honoring my space and well-being."
Dealing with Toxic Relationships and Abuse
Navigating toxic relationships and abuse is complex. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or financial and often involves manipulative tactics like gaslighting. Understanding these dynamics and recognizing that leaving an unhealthy situation is not easy can help in the healing process.
Recognizing and Healing Core Wounds
Identifying our core wounds from childhood, such as abandonment or neglect, allows us to meet these needs ourselves rather than relying on others. This self-reliance fosters healthier relationships based on mutual respect rather than codependency.
Working Through Attachment and Detachment
Understanding the difference between attachment and detachment is key. Attachment often involves projecting unmet needs onto others, while non-attachment allows us to care without sacrificing our well-being. It’s about finding balance and nurturing our emotional health.
Moving Forward with Self-Love
True transformation in our love lives begins with deep self-awareness and self-compassion. Society does not often encourage this introspection, but it is vital for building fulfilling relationships. By reflecting on our past and recognizing patterns, we can change how we respond and create healthier dynamics.
Practical Steps and Visualization
In Blueprint to the Heart, I offer several tools and exercises, including boundary visualizations, identifying red flags, and steps to learn self-love. These practices help us connect deeply with ourselves and prepare us for healthier relationships.
Affirmations for Healthy Relationship with Self
I speak my truth with love and compassion.
I am confident in expressing my needs and desires.
I set boundaries with ease and grace.
I trust the universe to guide me towards healthy relationships.
I am open to receiving guidance and support from the universe.
Connecting with Your Inner Child
Our next chapter will delve into connecting with our inner child, continuing this exploration of self-love and healing.
Transforming your how you connect in relationships is a journey of self-discovery and healing. By understanding our past, recognizing patterns, and cultivating self-love, we can create healthy and fulfilling relationships. This journey is not about making lists of what we want in a partner but about embodying our values and attracting those who align with them.
[Get your copy of Blueprint to the Heart : https://www.heartactivation.net/book]
In Love with the process,
Elaine
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